Especially to my mother’s exaspiration, I’ve never much fancied the thought of settling down. On the contrary; for the past fourteen years I’ve done whatever necessary to avoid precisely that. I’ve dropped out of college twice in favour of moving to Ireland and I have changed both jobs and relationships multiple times. Even though I studied physiotherapy, I’ve worked as a waitress for the best part of the last five years, favouring the freedom that comes with a job you can easily quit in one place and pick up again in another place, over the security (and in my eyes, finality) of building a carreer in a profession I wasn’t 100% sure about.
Lately I’ve been coming across a lot of articles online that tell us we should cease to find our passion and to just get on with life already. And there’s definitely something to be said for making a decision and sticking with it, regardless of whether it is your ultimate passion or not. I mean you can waste years of your life jumping to and fro, looking for that one thing you really really really (really?) want to do and in the end it may be a search in vain and you realize that in the last decade or so you’ve managed to built up no security for yourself whatsoever.
Did you not realize that you left your frivolous and carefree twenties and entered the solemn thirties, where – if you don’t have them yet – at least all set ups for a carreer or some sort of security should be in place? I had – sorry, have – nothing quite ready or in place. No carreer, no pension, no plan. Tick tock.
From time to time the question ‘but when are you really going to be serious about your life?’ arises, which I quickly dismis with a smile and the wave of my hand. “I’ll be fine!” Rather an old spinster, still waitressing or working odd jobs far into my old age, than giving up my sense of freedom for something I’m not fully into. And surely I would find my something, I wasn’t stressing it. And if not, maybe so be it and I would have to pay the price for the chains that I refuse? (shoutout to Richard Thompon’s 𝅘𝅥𝅯 Beeswing 𝅘𝅥𝅯 )
It was complete coincidence that brought me to China the first time. About half a decade ago in Thailand, I met a fellow traveler who passionately told me about his experience studying kungfu in China. Now I’ve always secretly wanted to be a female heroine that wields a sword and kicks ass and I’ve had an unambiguous interest in meditation and the power of the mind for as long as I can remember. This school of wonder, as he described it, where focus lies purely on training your body and your mind, sounded amazing. The seed was planted.
However, after my trip to Thailand I snuck back into my comfort zone in Ireland and continued life as normal. It was not until years later, while waiting tables on a particularly uneventful and gloomy day, that I had a defining ‘Fuck it why not?’ moment and decided to just go for it. The first time only for two months, for a tryout. After all, I had never practiced martial arts before and I really didn’t know the first thing about kungfu.
A few months later I walked through the gates of the Wudang Dragongate Kungfu School, in Hubei, central China. A proper old style kungfu school where I trained next to a group of the most badass children you’ll ever meet, whose training starts at 5AM in the morning and finishes 9PM at night. They have no days off. A school where you have to leave your complaints and most Western expectations of comfort at the gate. But most of all a place where you receive a diverse physical and mental training by coaches who are inspiring and know the ins and outs of the art they are passing on, trained and aided by traditional daoist Shifu Wang Xing Qing. It was awe inspiring. You don’t find this kind of thing home.
When I studied physiotherapy in my twenties, my original plan was to use the knowledge gained as basis for a more holistic practice. But after completion of my studies I wasn’t able to figure out which way to go with it and never followed up on my original idea. Coming to China was like a slap in the face. This was by far the most holistic AND interesting practice I’d ever come across. I was sold.
Shortly after my 32nd birthday I made the bold decision to move back to China for a year to study Wudang kungfu. A year of immersing myself in my own body and mind, a year of self improvement and challenges, a year of learning, a year of kungfu.
But also a year of going back to basics in a place where classes and meals are announced military style by the blow on a whistle and conventional mod cons are hard to be found. No heating in the winter when the temperature drops well below zero. No shelter from heat and humidity in the hot summer when training continues as normal. No couch. No fridge. No nightlife. No family. No friends. And definitely no sugarcoating and no one to hold your hand. I know that I’m going to feel tired, that I’m going to feel lonely, that my body will hurt and that I will probably wonder multiple times what the hell I’ve gotten myself into.
It won’t be a walk in the park, but I count on it to be a beautiful challenge. And it suits the objective. The meaning behind the words ‘kung fu’ is after all simply any practice that requires patience, energy, time – or in other words – effort to complete.
In the end the ultimate decisive factor for me was curiosity. How would a year of physical and mental training change me in terms of health, growth and strength? I need more than a hundred hands to have enough fingers to count the number of times in the past that I intended to start a daily meditation practice or a simple exercise regime, but discipline always failed me. Here, it would be impossible to slack.
On my return home after my first two month stint at the school, people asked me if I was going to teach kungfu now. At this moment I had only just about unraveled the meaning of the word, never you mind having mastered any techniques to pass on to anyone else. But – yes – eventually I would love to teach Qi Gong or Tai Chi and pass on this beautiful practice that has so many benefits when it comes to health, resilience and strength.
Being here however, I realize that reaching the level of a teacher is not something that should be taken lightly. I may have to continue to practice and learn for years to come before I’m able to teach, I don’t know. But I’ve found something that I’m passionate about and that’s a feeling I cherish. For now, whilst I’m here at the school, I will simply focus on making every day count.
The months before my leaving were wistful and filled with sad goodbyes and packing up the few things I owned. Since I left my parental home when I was 18 I’ve lived in a fair few different places, some of which I call home as well. The upside to uprooting your life every so often is giving yourself the opportunity to see all the beauty in the world from a different perspective. The downside is having to say goodbye to friends and loved ones. This was a very sad one. Sure, I might be back, but I’ve learned over the years that nothing is set in stone. On the morning I woke up to leave for China, I received the following words of encouragement by a good friend:
“This was an important decision in your life and you took it without blinking. Amazing, really. Now take all of that strength, rise your spirit and go. Don’t worry about the future, because destiny is good for brave people like you.”
That was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I took a deep breath, checked my bags one last time and got on the plane to China. Onto a new adventure and an amazing experience into the world of kungfu.